- If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
- If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he’ll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
- Beat the 5 O’clock rush: leave work at noon!
- I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
- Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
- Until I was 13, I thought my name was ‘Shut Up.’
- I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.
- I say no to drugs — they just don’t listen!
- Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
- Work is fine if it doesn’t take up too much of your time.
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Born free; Taxed to death.
- Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don’t have film.
- Smile — it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
- A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray andthe blinking red light.
- The hardest part of skating is the ice.
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
- The trouble with being punctual is that there’s no one there to appreciate it.
- If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- “Your future depends on your dreams” so go to sleep.
- “Hard work never killed anybody”, but why take the risk.
- There should be a better way to start a day… Than waking up every morning.
Some funny insults
- Why don’t you blow your brains out? You have nothing to lose.
- Let’s play house. You be the door. I’ll slam you.
- What’s on your mind- If you’ll please excuse the exaggeration.
- I’ll swear eternal friendship for anyone who dislikes you as much as I do.
- I need a bookmark more than I need you, so step in front of a steamroller on your way out.
- I don’t know what makes you tick, but I hope it’s a time bomb.
- Next time you pass my house, I’ll appreciate it.
- You have a very striking face? How many times have you been struck there?
- Why don’t you sue your brains for non-support?
- Why don’t you leave and let live?
- You can could make a good living hiring yourself out to haunt people.
- One should love animals. They are so tasty.
